FAST FOOD FRANCHISE FAILS FRANK MULLEN SECOND DAY IN A ROW
(Bottoms Bridge, Virg. -- June 22, 2026) For the second day in a row, former Navy musician Frank Mullen and his wife, Jo Knox, were victims of the recent wave of incompetence that has been plaguing Virginia and West Virginia lately.
Early this afternoon, the couple stopped for lunch at the McDonald's in Bottoms Bridge, Virginia. "It was a calculated risk," Mullen said. "We were royally screwed yesterday in Barboursville, West Virginia, by a pair of fast food restaurants that serially failed in meeting the basic requirement of fast food restaurants, which is, basically, the provision of fast food to people who want fast food. (For a detailed story on the failures of Barboursville, WV to provide fast food to people who want fast food, click here.)
"But we didn't figure lightning would strike twice," he added. "We were wrong."
Mullen and Knox ordered two cheeseburgers, two medium French fries, and two beverages. "I didn't see how we could go wrong," Mullen said. "We made it so easy, a poorly-trained seal could have fulfilled the order, if it had been trained to press touch-sensitive pictures of food with its flippers."
Mullen paid the bill, "Nineteen bucks and change," Mullen said. "Seemed steep, but I didn't think too much of it."
Until the order was delivered to his table, that is: Two beverages, two French fries, and four cheeseburgers.
"WTF," Mullen, using the full, non-abbreviated expression so common among veterans of naval service. "It takes a special level of incompetence to screw up and order that is, basically, two of something, two of something else, and two more somethings. Two burgers, two fries, two drinks? Badda-boom, badda-bing."
Mullen, who had previously announced that he would bring the problem of fast-food incompetence to the attention of Donald Trump, who has a way of wading full-force into problems many people believe to fall into the category of Picayune Nothing-burgers, said he was no longer angry.
"Some things just suck," he said. "You can drive yourself berserk expecting reality to bend itself to your will. And why? Oceans are deep, cows are bovine, and fast food joints are incapable of meeting the basic task of fast food restaurants, which is providing fast food to people who want fast food. I'm much happier accepting this."
Asked if he was really happy about accepting the inability of fast food establishments to meet the minimum requirement for fast food establishments, which is to provide fast food to people who want fast food, Mullen said, "Yes and no. Sure, I'm glad I don't have to get red in the face anymore when fast food restaurants fail miserably at a task whose difficulty level could be compared to that of playing Old Maid with a five-year-old. But I feel sorry for my shipmates.
"They didn't ask for this. Every year at this time, I blog about my preparations for the annual reunion of the Navy Musicians Association; what's happening, who's coming, when they're arriving, all that good stuff. But not this year. All they're getting is my childish tantrums about the inability of fast food joints to meet the basic task of fast food restaurants, which is to provide fast food to people who want fast food. Rants. Screeds. Infantile whining.
"They deserve better. And I'll give them better. I'm putting this all behind me. No more of this crap about fast food restaurants failing at the number-one, basic task of fast food restaurants, which is providing fast food to people who want fast food."
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